Darling readers,
I have missed you, but the rest from incessant writing was necessary. At some point, you have to immerse yourself into the abyss of being completely non-performative. I mean, when was the last time you did something great and didn’t post it to social media? I’ve been doing my damn best to simply be present. My social presence is mediocre at best. I’ve kept my social circle rather small, and it will likely cost me some friends long term, but none I’m unprepared to lose. In two years, I’ve gone from being in weekly contact with around sixty people, playing in multiple bands and maintaining multiple romantic relationships, to something closer to six friends, one corporate client, two private clients, eight family members, one romantic relationship, and, if i’m lucky, a dog here and there. The phone is quiet, because I don’t call and it doesn’t ring.
I’ve been confronting a twinge of loneliness at the relative silence, some grief at the obvious shift in relationships and some confusion as to whether it was my choice or theirs. And then I remember: it doesn’t matter. That’s all just story. Attachment. Justification designed to make me either the victim or the hero. That’s ego. Trying to think about what I should have done, would have said, could have salvaged is not a productive way to navigate life or human connection.
Instead, I go deeper, beyond the imaginary hypotheticals. I transcend the plane of reality that leaves us paralyzed by made up choices and return to the present moment. Maintaining friendships is not a game of strategy and judgement. It’s a game of honouring of the small voice inside of us that reminds us of the truth: It’s not bad that to confront loneliness. It’s an important checkpoint for deepening self-trust. And it’s not a negative thing to spend more time in solitude, it’s the opportunity to find the deepest peace I can for the benefit of all. I haven’t lost a single thing. I was always whole.
Loneliness is not the opposite of connection. It’s part of the path there.
Of course, the path back to hearing and believing this small voice of truth within us is the path of grieving, and I prefer not to rush down this road any faster than I walk down the road where my grandmother lives. I am not alone. I never have been. And yet, until it fades away, the loneliness is just as valid. This is what the Shua who lived in a van at Venice Beach would tell me. The grief and loneliness are simply a yearning for deep connection to self and others. It’s a desire to be somewhere that I’m not. It’s missing out on what is there to celebrate and the people who I do have even deeper connections with. It’s also an insatiable hunger to sharpen my skills around human connection, but the hunger itself is distracting me from realizing that I’m making the dinner of dreams every day.
A quick recap, for the sake of posterity:
I’ve been in Calgary since June
I live with my Grandma and my uncle Paul. At first, they both said that me being there was helping the other person. Now they both say they’ve really appreciated the influence I’ve had in their lives. They get along better now. It’s magic to watch this change in a family dynamic. The real joy is simply the quality time with my 91 year old grandma.
I’m spending at least two or three days or nights a week walking in nature and meditating for extended periods of time. It’s honestly very uncomfortable sometimes to realize how loud your thoughts are.
I sold out my first mini-retreat, leading two hours of breath work, guided reflection, and exploration in a natural setting. At least one person cried.
I’ve worked with several individual clients to guide them in self exploration. With some I explore life-threatening illness. With others we uncover what their new dreams are. With many, we discuss ways to approach difficult relationships with new perspectives and skills.
I secured my first corporate contract to design and guide an eight week program for twenty staff to strengthen connection to self, to others, and to a shared vision. I’m seven weeks into it and I still haven’t determined how I’ll know if it worked, but I’m learning so much and many of the staff are extremely engaged.
Every moment feels very aligned, present, confident, grounded, and high. Even the hard days. I choose them. I’ve learned how to have a bad day well. I don’t mind the lows. I own them.
After completing the formal training while traveling, I’ve begun full certification as a Neuro-Emotional Coach. This framework is absolutely mind blowing and has created such profound shifts in many people’s lives.
I completed a breath work instructor certification. It turns out, breath work is the answer to everything, because that’s where we need to start with anything.
I went fishing for the first time with my uncle Paul and Britt, catching and releasing four fish at Rawson Lake
I witness the changing of the seasons, the blooming of various flowers, and the glow of sunsets.
I am the happiest I have ever been.
Core perspectives I bring to everything I do:
Gratitude
Curiosity
Acceptance
Awareness
Passion
Effortlessness
Questions I constantly ask:
what can I learn?
how can I contribute?
I define success, not in terms of moving towards some distant goal, but as a list of verbs in present tense. Success is simply doing successful things.
writing
speaking
traveling
listening
I believe that if I do what I am passionate about (my success verbs) in contribution to others, as best as I can, that I will continue to achieve my maximum potential.
Coming Up:
In October, I go to LA for more learning and connection, Taber and Lethbridge to take my grandma to see her remaining siblings, Golden to commune with Britt in Nature, Edmonton to contribute to my corporate client.
In November, I go to Hawaii for a seven-day intensive immersion in the Neuro-Emotional framework… and snorkel along coral reefs. I’ll then spend another week in solitude on Maui doing my best to do nothing, and simply live from a conscious state of being.
In December, I intensely hermit until Christmas.
In January, I depart on a one-way ticket to Asia, intending to spend a couple weeks in Bali, before disappearing into the abyss of India.
We’ve been through so much together here, and if you’ve been reading along, there’s so much more to come.
Interesting Stuff:
Until I update here again, I wanted to leave you with an absolutely fantastic list of interesting things for you to check out. Click on whatever interests you and trust that it will be expansive…
Navalny - documentary: Russian lawyer attempts to campaign against Putin. Putin tries to have him killed. He survives and creates a documentary proving Putin did it.
The Rehearsal - a TV show: Nathan Fielder meticulously plans out every possible reality and then executes absurd plans in other people’s lives.
Ram Dass “Be Here Now” - podcast: one of the earliest and most prominent western explorers of psychedelics and eastern spirituality traveled for forty years sharing wisdom of the universe and how to bring it into your daily life.
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle - book: the ultimate ego check and deepest book on self awareness that everyone needs to read.
Love On The Spectrum - tv show: people who are considered on the spectrum of autism tackling the social landscape of dating.
Who We Are: a chronicle of racism in America - The most eloquent and blunt exploration of anti-black racism from the inception of America until today. This is as much art in its presentation as it is shockingly informative.
Finally, I want to remind you that I write this in hopes that it inspires others to go after what matters most to them. On October 7th, 2022, it marked one year since I decided at the top of Nose Hill to dissolve my life and see what, new and familiar, grew back. One year later, I was back in LA, visiting new and dear friends who have supported and inspired me to keep going. The shift between the person that left Canada and the person they were encouraging is palpable. I feel a sense of gratitude and confidence that what has happened in a year is only the beginning.
Another chapter begins soon…
Love you.
-Shua
Beautiful!